The Flirtoff
by acegraysons
Summary: This couldn't continue.  He was Captain Kirk, for God's sake; he had a reputation to uphold!  Harkness would have to be stopped.
1. Chapter 1

**Before you begin reading this: You MUST to go Flame'Alchemist-sensei's page . She's my Captain Kirk and the co-writer of this story and if it weren't against the rules and guidelines, every other chapter of this would be posted on her account, soooo...yeah. Just go there. Give her some love.**

**And you may have noticed that the genres for this are Humour/Romance. Yeah, by that we mean "There are a couple of funny bits in this story about competitive flirting. So that's cool, yeah?"  
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**Also, just coz we named ourselves after characters DOESN'T MEAN that we have any claim to Star Trek. Or Doctor Who/Torchwood/SJA, for that matter.  
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><p>"Captain, I'm receiving a strange signal from the asteroid," Lieutenant Uhura's voice cut through the relative calm of the <em>USS Enterprise<em>'s bridge. The ship was in no particular hurry to get anywhere, so they were traveling on impulse power and currently passing what had seemed like a small, normal asteroid.

Jim Kirk looked to Spock with a questioning expression. "I thought the asteroid was uninhabited?"

"It is," Spock replied. "Sensor scans completed five-point-four minutes ago showed no life forms on the asteroid."

"I'm still receiving a distress signal," Uhura said, "coming directly from the surface of the asteroid. There must be someone down there."

"Mr. Spock, scan the asteroid again."

"Captain, there is no atmosphere on the asteroid," Spock explained with an air of one stating the obvious to a small child. "Even if there were some sort of life form on it, it would be dead before the scans complete."

"Perhaps ve should just find ze source of ze signal and beam it up," Chekov suggested.

"It may be malicious," Spock pointed out.

"Or," Kirk countered, "it could be in distress. Send a security team down to the transport room." He pressed the comm button. "Kirk to transport room."

"Scott here, sir."

"Scotty, I want you to find the source of that distress signal and beam it up. Spock and I will be right down. Kirk out."

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><p>Whatever Kirk, Spock, Scotty, and the rest of the security team were expecting to be beamed up, it most definitely was not this. A tall, dark haired man in a twentieth-century military coat materialised on the transport pad, gasping for breath.<p>

Nobody spoke as he breathed heavily for a while, nor when he eventually straightened up and took a look at his surroundings. Appearing pleased at finding himself in an environment able to support human life, he gave the room at large a cocky smile and strode over to Kirk, hand outstretched.

"Captain Jack Harkness," he announced, borderline flirtatiously, and took Kirk's hand. "I'll assume you're in charge of this ship?"

"That I am," Kirk responded. "Captain James T. Kirk. Welcome aboard, Captain Harkness."

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><p>Maybe it was the arrogant air that he carried himself with, or his annoyingly inquisitive comments about the <em>Enterprise<em>, or perhaps even his barely contained flirtatiousness toward all of the female-and even the male-crew members, but after their first encounter, Kirk simply could not bring himself to call this man Captain.

Captain of what exactly? Himself? In Kirk's opinion, unless one was a certified Starfleet officer, or something of the sort, which Harkness most certainly was _not_, one did not deserve the title of Captain, no matter how charismatic that one may appear to be. Showing him around the ship, Kirk did notice one thing, perhaps from a viewpoint of the feeling of personal and professional rivalry he felt towards this man. He had an air about him. Somewhat of a challenge waiting to happen. It was like he wanted to stir up trouble, like he relished it. And he also seemed to have a particular interest in Mr. Spock.

Captain Kirk simply could not stand how Jack's - as he had fervently insisted they all call him - eyes lingered a moment longer than necessary on Spock and how all his questions seemed to be somehow directed to the Vulcan. It gave Kirk a strange feeling, like something inside him was boiling and he just absolutely had to find out what this man was up to and what he wanted with Spock.

Interrupting a monologue of Mr. Scott's about the inner workings of the Enterprise's engine systems, Kirk clapped Jack on the shoulder and said, "Mr. Harkness, perhaps later this evening, if you aren't too fatigued from your ordeal today, you could stop by my quarters. We could have a drink, discuss," he paused for a moment, unsure of what to say, "how you came to be here and how the _Enterprise_ may be of any help to you." He ended with a confident smirk, showcasing that he could be just as charming as this Harkness character, and maybe even more so.

"Well, if it wouldn't be too much trouble on your part Captain Kirk, I'd love too. I also have some things of which it might be in your interest to... discuss." He gave a too-wide smile and a casual wink, before launching back into his unending regimen of questions for Spock and the rest of the crew.

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><p>"Jim, what the devil is this about?" Doctor McCoy had pulled the Captain of the <em>Enterprise <em>to Sickbay as they were leaving the conference, grumbling something about blood and poison that nobody could really make out.

"I don't know," the Captain replied. "You're the one who dragged me in here …"

"I mean with Jack!" McCoy explained. "Why do you need to talk to him alone in your quarters? Who the hell _is_ he anyway?"

"I don't know, Bones," Jim said, starting to pace. "That's why I need to talk to him!"

"Okay," Bones agreed, "I see why you need to talk to him, but why do you have to be alone?"

Jim stopped pacing and stared at his friend. Ignoring his question, he asked one of his own: "Have you seen the way he looks at Spock?"

The doctor snorted. "Have you seen the way he looks at _everyone_?"

Jim shook his head. "No, no, it's different with Spock!" he insisted as he resumed his pacing.

"That's just your overprotectiveness, kid."

"I'm not overprotective!" Jim snarled overprotectively. "And you have to admit, he _does_ ask Spock a lot of odd questions."

"He's curious!" McCoy defended the "Captain". "He's never been on a starship before, he's just curious how it works."

"First of all," Jim retorted, "he's a _hitchhiker_. He's probably seen plenty of starships. And secondly, that's not the sort of question I'm talking about. He asks Spock these _weird_ questions. 'Are you a time traveller?' 'Have you ever been to Gallifrey?' (What is Gallifrey anyway?) 'Are you a doctor?' _Why would he ask Spock if he was a doctor?" _ He stopped pacing once again and wheeled around to face his friend, wide-eyed.

Doctor McCoy shrugged. "Maybe he thinks Doctor Spock has a nice ring to it."

"But even when he just _met_ Spock!" Jim insisted. "Did you hear him? 'Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Spock.' He wasn't even flirting. He said it like a joke!"

"You," Bones said slowly, as if speaking to an overexcited, uncooperative child (because really, how else could you describe Captain James T. Kirk?), "are overreacting. Jack's harmless, he's just a hitchhiker, and he's clearly been through a lot today. I just don't think you need to have him alone with you in your chambers."

"What, are you scared he's gonna rape me?"

"He _has_ already gotten five crew members in bed."

Kirk wasn't completely aware of what his facial features were doing, but he was certain it couldn't be pretty. "_Five crew members?"_ he said in a sort of strangled whisper. "_FIVE?_ How? He's only been here for _three hours!"_

Bones looked down and shrugged, a strange expression on his face. "You gotta admit, Jim, the man is good."

Jim stared at his friend. "Oh, Bones, not you..."

"What can I say? He is … very good!"

"I thought you were straight," Jim said, unsure whether he was horrified or fascinated. Five people in three hours...

"So did I," Bones said, shaking his head. "And you know what? I'll bet little Timothy Turner down in engineering thought he was too. As for Ensign Powell … well, everyone knows _he_ plays for the other team."

Captain Kirk tried to stop himself asking the question in his head. Unfortunately, Jim got the better of him. "What about the other two?"

"Janice Rand," McCoy said. "You know she's got a thing for Captains."

"He's not -" Jim started to correct Bones before realising something. "Janice - Rand? As in … _my_ Yeoman Rand?"

"Is there another Janice Rand on this ship?"

Kirk considered this. "No, not that I know of...anyway, who's the last one?"

"Lieutenant Uhura."

"I thought she was with Spock?"

"They broke it off a month ago," McCoy said, eyeing his friend. "I thought you knew that."

"No, I didn't!" Kirk seemed a bit too happy about the news. "Well," he continued, looking at his left wrist as though expecting to see a watch there (who even wore watches anymore?), "I'm expected in the bridge. Nice chat. 'Bye!"

And he left, having seemingly forgotten all about Captain Jack Harkness.

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><p><strong>You know what's really really awesome and makes us wanna jump and dance to the music in our heads? Reviews, my dear! You know ... a smiley face, your favorite line, whatever! Anything makes us happy. Getting notifications from FF is just the best, y'know?<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Oh my god. Has it really been eight months since we updated this? Dammit, I thought we were gonna stay on top of things!**

**Well, to all you lovely readers out there, it may have been forever since we updated, but we have far from forgotten about this! If you need something to blame ... blame school. Yeah, school. And, since school is nearly over, you'll probably only have to wait two months for the next chapter, not eight XD**

**Anywhoooo ... Star Trek and Doctor Who are both credited to people who are not us.**

**And reviews make rainbows and shorter waits ;)**

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><p>All was quiet on the bridge. Nobody moved.<p>

Well, several people moved, as per normal everyday work on the bridge, but to Jim Kirk, everything seemed still.

Except for Spock, of course. Though most humans would say that the Vulcan moved a little less than everyone else, to Jim, he moved more. That, or maybe he was just paying attention.

Because he needed to talk to Spock, of course. He needed to talk to Spock about Uhura and Jack and whatever else Starship Captains need to talk to their First Officers about. That was it. That's why Jim was so focused on Spock. Nothing else, of course.

He sauntered (no, he didn't, it was a simple _walk_. Jim Kirk didn't saunter in professional settings.) over to where the Vulcan Science Officer was bent over that tiny viewscreen and leaned over to see what he was looking at, completely silent. Spock glanced at him, just a few inches away, but didn't say anything.

Jim wasn't entirely sure what he was looking at. It wasn't like he needed to understand the squiggles on this particular screen, as Spock (or someone else, but usually Spock) was always there to interpret them for him. But they looked cool, and he couldn't remember what he'd wanted to say to Spock, so he just stayed where he was, looking at the screen and not saying anything.

For the next fifteen seconds, nothing happened. A few people, including Lieutenant Uhura, stared at them, and a couple times Spock glanced at Jim, but nobody spoke. Finally, Spock asked uncertainly, "Can I help you, Captain?"

Since Jim still couldn't remember what he'd wanted to say, he simply said, "No," lightly and continued to stare at the unintelligible squiggles. He didn't look up when he heard the bridge door open, nor when the man in an old-fashioned military coat took a place on the other side of Spock, also leaning over the tiny viewscreen. He did internally sigh, however.

"What are we looking at?" Jack Harkness asked conspiratorially in a low voice.

"Nothing," Spock replied.

"What?"

"These readings mean literally nothing," Spock explained. "I was attempting to discern what the Captain had apparently spotted, but it eludes me."

Jim mentally kicked himself, but he didn't say anything.

"Captain Kirk?"

He looked up and met Jack's gaze. There was a peculiar expression in his eyes; Jim couldn't read it. Which bugged him way more than it really should. He grunted noncommittally, clapped Spock on the back, saying, "Good job, Spock," and took a seat in his Captain's chair.

Jack watched him and sighed quietly. You should never meet your heroes...

About five more minutes into his shift, Jim suddenly remembered what he had wanted to talk to Spock about. But, because he was still in the middle of his shift, and there was work to be done (What work, Kirk wasn't exactly sure about) he chose to wait until later, talk to Spock alone. Only because everyone else on the bridge would be listening in should he say anything now, not because he wanted to be alone with Spock or any nonsense like that. Why would he want to be alone with Spock? That would just awkward. Resting his head in his hands, Kirk wondered what had happened to make him act so weird recently.

"Is something wrong, Captain?", Spock asked, his ever-observant eyes noticing Kirk's apparent distress.

"It's nothing, Spock. Just some things on my mind. Speaking of, I need to talk to you after our shift is done." _There_, thought Kirk, _just keep everything professional, just be your captain-y self…._

Spock nodded, "Of course, Captain."

Kirk smirked.

Three hours later, it was much harder for Kirk to maintain his air of professionalism in regards to Spock. If there had ever been one in the first place.

He wasn't quite sure how he felt. A bit anxious, like his stomach was twisting into knots, and his hands were shaking...

Nervous. That's how he felt. Nervous. Like a scrawny pre-teen at his first school dance. Of course, it had nothing to do with Spock. It was much more likely that he was nervous because of the giant mound of paperwork that he had to have finished by, well, yesterday.

Kirk smacked his head against the wall for the upteenth time. When was the last time he was nervous about _paperwork?_ He was in a bad place. A very, very bad place.

The doors to the lift opened with a _whoosh _and Kirk jumped a little bit, then quickly leaned against the wall, trying for all the world to exude an air of casualty and spectacularly _failing_. Spock raised one pristine eyebrow as he entered.

"Problem, Captain?" Spock said, and if Kirk didn't know any better, he'd have said Spock sounded, well, _smug_.

"Noo," Kirk sighed, dragging a hand over his face. "Just ... you know. Stressed."

Spock nodded once and stood beside Kirk in silence for a few moments before asking, "What did you wish to speak with me about?"

Kirk inwardly sighed (and he did that quite a bit lately, didn't he?). He didn't want to talk to Spock. But he did. But he couldn't. _But he had to._ So he sort of stood there like a goldfish, somewhere between speaking and flailing.

"Captain?" Spock asked after a while, sounding borderline concerned, borderline ... amused? Now that was just insulting.

"WhydidyoubreakupwithUhura?" Kirk eventually managed.

Spock, again, raised one eyebrow (and didn't _he_ do that a lot ... only all the time). "Pardon?"

Kirk took a deep breath. "Why did you break up with Uhura?" he articulated very slowly.

"That is, I believe you would say, 'old news', Captain," Spock replied.

"Well I just now heard of it," Kirk mumbled in way of response. "But still ... why?"

Spock nodded vaguely, seeming a bit hesitant. Kirk took a moment to appreciate the fact that this was the Spockian equivalent of being completely flummoxed. He was making Spock uncomfortable and felt a pulse of achievement before _No, bad Jim, that's rude._

"We were ... incompatible," Spock explained after a moment of awkward silence.

Kirk made a neutral sound in the back of his throat.

"Is that all you wished to speak to me about?"

Kirk nodded. "As Captain, I need to be aware of everyone's affairs to be certain that their work is unaffected." _Very suave. Good job, Jim_.

Spock nodded. "I see." And the lift was enveloped in silence once more.

Jack couldn't believe his luck. He'd been cast out of one spaceship by a bunch of pissy Romulans only to be picked up by the freaking _Enterprise_ minutes later. _**The **__Enterprise._ Under the command of Captain James T. Kirk. Youngest Starship captain ... ever. Hero of the Nero incident.

It was partially because of Captain Kirk that Jack had wanted to join the Time Agency in the first place. The Time Agency was kind of the 51st century equivalent of Starfleet, and Jack had dreamt as a kid of becoming the 51st century equivalent of Captain Kirk. He'd be creative, reckless, quick on his feet ... the whole shibang. And of course, being a Time Agent, Jack would have a good excuse to travel back in time to _meet_ Kirk. He could have just rented a time machine and taken it for a joyride, but that felt pathetic. It was way better to come meet Kirk _in the line of duty_.

Jack always imagined when this day came he'd be a high ranking official come to save Kirk at the last minute from such a certain death that the Captain himself couldn't've gotten out of. Kirk would be impressed and grateful, and they'd go out for a drink, maybe sex, and he'd tell Jack to come back any time.

He never thought it'd be Kirk rescuing him, completely by chance, from a thousand or more deaths by suffocation on an airless asteroid, and Jack, a renegade with a stolen name and no method of transport.

And Kirk himself hadn't been exactly what Jack was thinking. The kid wonder was really just ... just that. A kid. Jack was almost disappointed.

But then there was the First Officer. The Vulcan. Spock.

When he thought about it, Jack supposed all the historical accounts must have mentioned Spock. The only figure he'd really paid attention to was Kirk, though, and when Spock was introduced, Jack honestly expected to see a leather jacket, large ears, short-cropped hair.

For a little while, Jack had toyed with the idea that Spock _was_ the Doctor. He could regenerate - it wasn't entirely unfeasible to think that maybe he could regenerate with pointy ears and cool eyebrows.

After hours of questions ranging from pointed to vague to probably downright annoying, Jack came to the conclusion that Spock was not the Doctor. And then he got to wondering how Rose knew Spock's name, but it seemed that, not only was Spock not the Doctor, but he'd never met the Doctor either. Nor Rose. So maybe they'd meet in the future ...

It was around that point that Jack realised he didn't particularly care and would simply chuckle at the odd coincidence rather than try to figure it out. He knew if the Doctor were there, he'd never let it go, but the Doctor wasn't there and Jack just wanted some good ole R&R on this historic ship.

Plus, Kirk had asked to see Jack alone in his quarters, and who was Jack to resist such an offer? After all, it had been his childhood goal to get this man in bed ...


End file.
